She was clutching at anything that might mean that He was speaking to her. She grappled with anything that might seem like she was still loved. She desperately sang every word from the songs as if they were spoken, just to her. And there were moments that felt like they were. But they were just that, moments. A void opened, again, and again.
The tears flowed freely. She was desperate. You might say, she almost knew it, with her mind, but deep down, there were doubts, there were holes, in her theory. That she was still loved, after all, after all this, she was not sure. With the deepest regret and the greatest guilt she could ever imagine, she had asked for forgiveness. And then she had read it. And people had said it. But she grappled with it, deep down in her heart, it slipped from realisation to doubt easily. Because only she knew how she had turned her heart completely away from Him. How she had twisted the idea of freedom, to gain, selfishly. Only she knew how she had squandered His trust, His love, His grace. Only she knew the extent of her fall.
After everything He had given to her she squandered it all, defiled herself once again, selfishly took the strength given to her, and threw it away. It seemed to her, it was possibly the ultimate betrayal, possibly unredeemable.
She really was naked, ashamed.
She was in a bubble, a clear, see-through bubble. She could see Him, she could almost feel Him, but when she shouted He didn’t hear. Or at least, she thought He had not heard, because all she could hear was herself, shouting, the sound reverberating around her. All she could see was herself. And when she looked at herself she was shrouded in something indescribable, a nothingness, a sense of nothing.
And then she remembered the very first account of shame. In the garden, where they hid from Him. Where they fled from His presence because they realised their inadequacy, to be present in front of Him, because they felt so naked, and so ashamed. And she remembered how He had, through His love for them, had slaughtered His animals in the first sacrifice, to clothe them. To cover them. So they could walk out, unashamed. Because He didn’t want them to feel ashamed in front of Him, He wanted them to feel whole. And although, in the first act of rebellion they were justifiably removed, rejected from the garden, they walked without shame. Because He had sacrificed, to cover them.
And someone close by prayed, and she felt His warmth. The words were from Him, as if she were a child again, soothing her. And they spoke of a child, on a bed, excitedly opening a box of dressing up clothes. She was dressing up in something new. She was putting on new clothes.
And again someone prayed, of Him taking her hand, taking it gently, leading her in a dance. Whilst she was clothed in a lovely white shroud.
And then He said, see, I have given you a new thing.
A seed I have planted in your heart & it will grow and grow and grow and grow.
Water it, feed it, nurture it. hold it tight, guard it, protect it.
and it WILL grow.
remember though, from all things you do or say, it will either grow or not…
gently move, watch, wait and extend your heart if it is secure.
if you feel the seed is unsteady, withdraw and hold still.
your heart will move you, will tell you if you have moved too fast.
for so long, your emotions have driven you, moved you into action.
I am doing a new thing, I have planted something new in your heart and, if you are attentive to it, it will move you, and it hold you.
And your heart will protect it, and in doing so, will direct you.
for so long, your heart has been shrouded by emotions, controlled by worries & fears, the heart struggling to know what and how they should put anything into action.
now your emotions are released to feel me, to hear me, to sense me.
And your heart is free to love.
your emotions are beautiful and I want you to use them to dance with me, to stay close to me.
take my hand and I will lead you.
And He passed this gift to her, from one princess to another.
And He said, your name is given to nurture your character, your name is given to bring confidence in whom you are. Your name is given to build. To encourage. To instill courage. So that you may never forget, what, and from where, God has brought you.
You are a princess in character, so in love, and in life be all that a princess should be. Rule your heart, nurture it and give yourself to all that which I give you to look after. Do the very best that you can, manage and prioritise as best you know how to, with all that I give you. Take instruction from those around you in authority, respecting and upholding those above and before you.
And remember, you may not be the favourite but you are flavoursome to me.
I love to see you, to smell you, to taste all that you are.
You may not be special but you are good.
And I am well pleased with you.
And never ever lose sight that I have you, in my sight, as I love to watch you, on your journey.
And every time you draw close to me, I am proud and I am satisfied.
May the Lord direct your hearts into [realizing and showing] the love of God and into the steadfastness and patience of Christ and in waiting for His return.
(2 Thessalonians 3:5 AMP)