praying for happiness

‘dear Jesus,’ she prayed.  Her eyes tight shut.  I squinted my eyes open slightly to watch her in the dull light.  The summer evening light is finally upon us, but the winter cold air still lingers.  The other sleeps quietly above us.

‘i pray that you make mummy and daddy…’ there’s a pause as she thinks…

‘really happy…’

My heart had ached, then bulged at the same time.  With sadness, with pride.  At her thoughtfulness, her perception.  It would be no great surprise that a child is emotionally perceptive to her mum, in many ways, but this, I think, had been a direct response from seeing us argue only a few days before.

So needless to say, our marriage had gone through a ‘rough’ patch.  No, that’s too soft, a breakdown, a complete and utter overall.  It was, if you like, completely disbanded, burnt to the ground and we are in a process of re-building, from the grass roots up.

And her prayer, had given me hope.  Because she had known what it meant to be happy, to have a happy family unit.  And she can only know that, if she had had it.

From the inside out, that is what God had been doing.  He was changing me from the inside out.  So it felt rubbish.  Stripping away all the learnt religion, the learnt knowledge.  The know it all language.  The pride.

‘dear Jesus’ indeed.  For without hope, we could not have come to where we were.  I had relied solely on God’s goodness around me, in people, His church, in His creation, in His God-given creativity.  And then, in His silent whispers of encouragement that came through all this, and even audibly in my mind.  His echoes of goodness in my thoughts were like gold dust, sparkling in the ever so slightly changing light.   Like a glint in the moonlight.

And this girl, that had grown before my eyes sits there innocently speaking into my life, like a sparkling gold dust particle.  And all I want to do is burst, with thankfulness, with revelation.  That the goodness of God is so much closer, and at hand, than I ever really gave Him credit for.

And as I left behind the complicated knowledge and profound understanding of a God that seemed far away, I was re-discovering a God very close, very near and very interested in the detail of my life.

And for every moment that I had discovered and realised this, I thanked Him.  And right there.  There was my happiness, in my thankfulness, for each speck of gold dust that I am gathering is becoming more of treasure chest, over flowing.


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