Worries and fears; two of my biggest opponents at the moment… I get it, then I don’t. I think I’ve grappled it and then everything unwinds, like a tightly rolled ball of string, let loose. Or I give it all to God, I surrender all, then I take it all back like a hungry, angry child, because I am sure I can work it out better myself.
And they, both of them, letting them loose, can put all sorts of things around me in jeopardy… the people I love, my work… God.
So I learn the hard way. Again and Again. Because I am stubborn. And because I refuse to just. put. it. down.
So… I carry everything, until I explode. Until, I fall down with the weight of it. Perhaps taking others down with me. Perhaps leaving a little debris on the road. then finally realising what I’ve been carrying is not important.
So I told her why I was stressed. why I’m not ‘wearing my smile’. I worry.
She looked relieved, that it was not because of her. Then proud and important because we were having an adult conversation. Because I was placing important information at her feet.
A few days later, I’m not wearing my smile again, and;
‘mummy, if you worry all the time, about what you are worrying about, you won’t forget it…’
… I let her simple words wash over me in like uncomplicated fresh water, washing away my deep adult-like analytical thinking.
Of course. Its why over the years, I have managed to file away in my mind precious moments… of worry. It’s why I have so many seemingly sadder memories, out numbering the happier ones.
Its like learning to swim… or to be saved. Again.
But He said Himself, ‘do not worry’ and ‘my burden is light’. And He said He would use the simple things to shame the wise.
And so, I’m stocking up on those good and beautiful memories that are light, that bring life, where I’m breathing in Grace. And this, is just one, of those.
Because of how sweet she is… and lovely and thoughtful she is, I breath in the joy she gives me and I remember her name means wisdom [Sofia] and her middle name is [Grace].
And I realise that when we look around us, we have life boats and saving graces that are there to keep us afloat, alive and joyful in Him. And if we keep going back to Him, there is always another life jacket to put on, another hand He puts down to us if we will just allow ourselves to be lifted out of the waters that drag us down.
There is so much Grace, we would drown if it were water. But its not water, its a million things around us that God has given us to be thankful for, and hold onto, tight.